Separation Anxiety Has Arrived

Sunday night when I put Willow down for bed, which is normally no problem, she screamed her head off. I honestly thought that something was wrong with her. She has never been this upset before. So, I went in to check on her and as soon as I picked her up, she was fine. I know she was very tired and this was not at all like her. I laid her down again and she started screaming again. I decided to let her cry-it-out. Every time I went in she screamed louder. This lasted for about 10 minutes and she went to sleep.

She has a lamb in her crib with her and the same blanket at night. These are supposed to be comfort objects for her, but she has yet to take comfort in them in any way.

When I dropped her off at daycare on Monday she didn't cry when I left but she looked like she was about to start. I told her I loved her and I would see her later and I left for work after giving her a kiss and a hug. When I arrived to pick her up, she practically knocked down the kid next to her in order to get to me so I could pick her up. Then when we got home she was crying unless I was right next to her. (I think part of that was because she was tired since her afternoon nap was a little too early)

So, what is separation anxiety and when do infants typically experience it? Let's find out.

According to Wikipedia (which always seems to have good definitions when sites like WebMD and AAP just have descriptions of disorders, but I digress) "Separation Anxiety is is a psychological condition in which an individual has excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father and mother). Present in all age groups, adult separation anxiety disorder (affecting roughly 7% of adults) is more common than childhood separation anxiety disorder (affecting approximately 4% of children)." Now, bear in mind that Separation Anxiety is very commonplace in infants but when older children and adults are suffer from it, it is Separation Anxiety Disorder (which is not what I am talking about here).

So, when does it typically occur? Because for some reason I had it in my mind that it started around six months and so I thought that Willow just wasn't one of those babies that would get it. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics Parenting Corner Q&A on the Separation Anxiety, "Between the ages of eight and twelve months, your child sometimes may seem like two separate babies. First there's the one who's open, affectionate, and outgoing with you. But then there's another who's anxious, clinging, and easily frightened around unfamiliar people or objects. Some people may tell you that your child is fearful or shy because you're "spoiling" her, but don't believe it. Her widely diverse behavior patterns aren't caused by you or your parenting style; they occur because she's now, for the first time, able to tell the difference between familiar and unfamiliar situations. If anything, the predictable anxieties of this period are evidence of her healthy relationship with you."

According to that same article on the AAP website, SA typically lasts until the child is about 2 years old, peaking at 10-18 months of age. (Yeah I know, big ranges but every baby is different so there is no one answer).

According to Dr. Carol Watkins, MD, who is board certified in Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychiatry there are lots of things you can do to help your child through this period. They include:

• Positive experiences with caregivers, short times at first.


• Help child become familiar with new surroundings and people before actually leaving the child there.


• Rituals (bedtime and morning)


• "Lovie" or "Cuddly" Represents closeness to parents. If possible, allow the child to take the "Lovie" along.


• Do not give in. Let the child know that he or she will be all right.


• Remind the child of previous brave things he or she has done. Talk about how a fictional character might handle it.


• Let child know, in words he or she can understand that you appreciate how distressing it must be to be separated from loved ones. Understanding and acceptance, but not excessive sympathy.


• Never make fun of a child's separation distress. Do not scold child for it.


• Do not bribe child to mask the distress. If you plan a special activity after you pick the child up, let it be unconditional.


• Focus on the positive things that happened in daycare. Don't let them dwell on fears or imagination of what might happen.


• Minimize fears by limiting scary TV shows


• If it is an older child, consider introducing him or her to some of the children who are to be in the class and arranging play dates in advance.


• Preparing the child--reading books about going to preschool, pretending about going on voyages or quests.


• Make shopping for school supplies a special event just for that child.


• Expect a child to be more tired and possibly more irritable than usual when he or she starts Kindergarten or First grade for the first few weeks.


• When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug and cheerfully say goodbye.


• Don't prolong your departure or come back several times.


• Don't sneak out of the room.


• Even if you feel that a strict teacher or a bully might be part of the problem, keep your child going to school while these problems are being handled.


• If your child does stay home, do not make it an extra fun, gratifying day.

I am glad to have figured out what is going on with Willow. It is exciting to see her reach this milestone and to be the most important person in her life. I don't know what I would do without her. I am sure we'll both get through this just fine.