Toddlers and Tantrums

As Willow has gotten older, the thing that I have noticed the most is how easily she is frustrated with something. This, of course, results in a tantrum. I know that a tantrum is her way of dealing with her inability to get something to work or when something does not go as she would like it to. I am sure this is something lots of moms (both seasoned professionals and new moms like me) have to deal with, so I thought I'd blog about it.

So, keeping with MVP structure, what exactly is a "Temper Tantrum"? According to WebMD, "A temper tantrum is an unplanned, unintentional expression of anger, often with physical and verbal outbursts; it is not an act to get attention, as is commonly thought. During a temper tantrum, children typically cry, yell, and flail their arms and legs. Temper tantrums usually last 30 seconds to 2 minutes and are most intense at the onset."

This leads us to question why exactly toddlers throw temper tantrums. According to Claire B. Kopp, professor of applied developmental psychology at California's Claremont Graduate University, much of the problem can be attributed to uneven language skills. "Toddlers are beginning to understand a lot more of the words they hear, yet their ability to produce language is so limited," she says. When your child can't express how he feels or what he wants, frustration mounts.

A tantrum is a normal and expected response when something interferes with a young child's attempt to gain independence or to master a skill. Willow was playing with a kitchen chair. She had placed a toy on it and wanted to hold the toy. However, she was behind the chair and although she could easily reach the toy through the back of the chair, it was too big to fit through. She didn't understand this and started balling her eyes out when the toy didn't go where she wanted it when she wanted it. She calmed down after we showed her that she could quite easily get the toy back by walking around to the front of the chair.

Some children are more likely to have temper tantrums than other children. Factors that contribute to a child's tendency to have tantrums include fatigue, the child's age and stage of development, temperament, stress in the child's environment, and whether underlying behavioral, developmental, or health conditions are present (such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] or autism). Also, a child may be more likely to have temper tantrums if parents react too strongly to difficult behavior or give in to the child's demands.

According to Parenting.com, there are several reasons for tantrums. They include:

• Toddlers can't express themselves very well. Your 2- or 3-year-old may know a lot of words, but he doesn't yet have the ability to construct complex sentences -- or put words to all the emotions he's feeling. That's why instead of saying, "Mom, I'd really like orange juice with my toast, but only in the red cup because it looks weird in the blue one," he screams bloody murder when you gave him apple juice in the blue cup.


• Toddlers are easily overwhelmed. Toddlers thrive on routine, and a change can really throw them off. That means that adding in an extra errand or missing naptime by even 15 minutes can spell disaster. Certain places, like busy stores, can be overwhelming, too.


• Toddlers want to do more than they can handle. Toddlers are naturally very curious -- and are thrilled to discover they can suddenly do so many things on their own. Unfortunately, your child's physical prowess doesn't keep pace with his curiosity, so he gets frustrated when the block tower falls or he's not allowed to climb the kitchen stool.


• Toddlers don't understand delayed gratification. Little kids live in the here and now, not in our cookies-are-for-after-dinner world. Not getting what they want, when they want it, is a top tantrum producer.


• Toddlers think they're the center of the universe. In the me-me-me life of a toddler, no one else's needs matter as much as his own. That's why sharing is so difficult; they don't understand the concept of a world where anything other then themselves and what they want is important, their cognitive development just isn't there yet.

So, what can you do to prevent tantrums from happening? And what can you do to diffuse the situation quickly whether you are at home or out in public (the real dreaded time for your kid to blow up)?

According to Dr. Sears, there are two types of tantrums. First there is the type where the child isn't getting what they want. In that situation, in order to diffuse the tantrum and prevent future outbursts you should give him verbal cues and use body language that says you don't do tantrums. Be aware that toddlers know how to push their parents' buttons. If you are a volatile person, it'll be easy for your child to trigger an explosion from you, ending in a screaming match with no winners. You send a clear message when you ignore his fits or walk away. This teaches him that tantrums are not acceptable. This is part of toddler discipline.

The second type of tantrum is what Dr. Sears refers to as a "Frustration Tantrum" and that type should be treated with empathy. Take these emotional outbursts as an opportunity to bond with your child. Offer a helping hand, a comforting "it's okay." Help him out where he feels frustrated at not being able to accomplish a task. This way you establish your authority and build your child's trust. Direct his efforts toward a more manageable part of a task. For example, if he throws one of the common "I'll do it myself" fits about putting on his sock, you slip it halfway onto the foot, and he can pull it on the rest of the way. Sit down with him at eye level and caringly say, "Tell mommy what you want." That encourages him to use words or body language to communicate his feelings and needs so that he doesn't have to act them out in displays of anger. I can't tell you the number of times my sister has said to her children, "Use your words" when they get frustrated and feel like they are not being understood.

Here are some simple tips and tricks from the Mayo Clinic for encouraging good behavior to begin with:

• Be consistent. Establish a daily routine so that your child knows what to expect. Stick to the routine as much as possible, including nap time and bedtime. It's also important to set reasonable limits and follow them consistently.


• Plan ahead. If you need to run errands, go early in the day — when your child isn't likely to be hungry or tired. If you're expecting to wait in line, pack a small toy or snack to occupy your child.


• Encourage your child to use words. Young children understand many more words than they're able to express. If your child isn't speaking — or speaking clearly — you might teach him or her sign language for words such as "I want," "more," "enough," "hurt" and "tired." The more easily your child can communicate with you, the less likely you are to struggle with tantrums. As your child gets older, help him or her put feelings into words.


• Let your child make choices. To give your child a sense of control, let him or her make appropriate choices. Would you like to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt? Would you like to eat strawberries or bananas? Would you like to read a book or build a tower with your blocks? Then compliment your child on his or her choices.


• Praise good behavior. Offer extra attention when your child behaves well. Tell your child how proud you are when he or she shares toys, listens to directions, and so on.


• Use distraction. If you sense a tantrum brewing, distract your child. Try making a silly face or changing location. It may help to touch or hold your child.


• Avoid situations likely to trigger tantrums. If your child begs for toys or treats when you shop, steer clear of "temptation islands" full of eye-level goodies. If your child acts up in restaurants, make reservations so that you won't have to wait — or choose restaurants that offer quick service.

And, here are some tips and tricks from Parents.com for diffusing the situation:

• Acknowledge that she's frustrated. Your best first defense is to look your child in the eye and let her know you feel her pain. By saying "I know you want a cookie," or even just "I know you're upset," you're telling her you're there to help her feel better. That might be enough to calm her down so you can add, "I wish we could have cookies, too. It's too bad we can't right now."


• Be silly. Laughter can be a great tantrum buster. If your child starts to pitch a fit about getting into the tub, try singing a goofy song -- anything to make her giggle.


• Try a distraction. Give her something else to think about. Try saying, "Let's finish shopping by picking out bananas together." Or if it's time to leave the park, but she doesn't want to, "How many dogs do you think we'll see on the drive home?"


• Ignore it. Sometimes, tantrums escalate because your toddler thinks she'll get what she wants if she screams loud enough. If you don't react, she may give up.


• Leave the scene. When all else fails, get out of line, off the slide, whatever. But do it without making a fuss -- you'll be modeling calm behavior. It may be inconvenient, but it shows who's in control: you.
  

One question many parents have is when their child will "grow out of" the tantrum phase. According to WebMD, Most children gradually learn healthy ways to handle the strong emotions that can lead to temper tantrums. They also usually improve their ability to communicate, become increasingly independent, and recognize the benefits of having these skills. Children who continue to have tantrums after the age of 4 usually need outside help learning to deal with anger. Temper tantrums that continue or start during the school years may be a sign of other issues, including problems with learning or getting along with other children.

The bottom line with a tantrum? Toddlers have tantrums because they're frustrated or overwhelmed, not because they want to make you crazy. Understanding the underlying cause can help you both get through a tantrum. I hope this has helped!!