Does Your Toddler *ahem* Masturbate?

I have noticed that Willow is liking to touch herself "down there". Her teacher at daycare even commented on it. She will lift up her shirt and stick her hand down her diaper during the day. (You know, just for fun.)

So, I began to wonder if this was normal developmental activity for an 18-month-old. I mean, I am sure she doesn't have deep thoughts about her girl parts. She just knows that when she touches "down there" it feels good. She even laughs while she does it.

But, is it normal? (not that you really ever have "normal" when it comes to toddlers)

Turns out that it is perfectly normal!! *wipes sweat off brow*

Toddlers love discovering new things and exploring their bodies is just a part of growing up. According to Dr. Sears, "Don't make a big deal about this: First of all, don't worry. About one third of young kids do this, and practically all teenagers do it. It is not abnormal unless they continue to do it in public beyond age 5-6.

"It does NOT cause any physical harm, and does NOT mean you child will grow up to be sexually promiscuous. However, if adults overreact and make the child think it's evil or dirty then it can lead to emotional harm, such as guilt or sexual inhibitions."

Awesome! But at the same time, your little one touching themselves in public or in front of guests can be a major problem. So, what can you do to not make them feel bad about what they are doing (potentially creating issues later in life) but at the same time "curb their enthusiasm" until a more appropriate time or place presents itself?

According to Parenting, "[When they are small] simply picking him up for a cuddle, distracting him, or starting a new activity is usually all it takes, given that kids are more likely to masturbate when they're bored or need soothing. Once he's 2 or 3, you can begin to teach him that masturbation is something to do in private. Right now, he's too young to understand. If despite your best efforts, the behavior persists, talk to your doctor -- but chances are, it will get better. And soon enough, he'll start doing something else in public that makes you cringe!"

I think the more important lesson here is what NOT to do. According to Dr. Sears:

• Do not try to eliminate this completely. This will lead to more problems.


• Do not physically punish or yell at your child for masturbating.


• Do not use any physical restraints for their hands.


• Don't label masturbation as dirty, sinful, or bad.

All this talk about masturbation opens up a door for you to begin a dialog with your children about sex. Sure, toddlers don't know what "sex" is and they most certainly shouldn't. But it's a good time to begin educating them and it lets them set the pace when they can ask questions.

When your child is a toddler you can begin by adding the proper names of body parts when you are in the bath, like penis and vagina (I know, it sounds weird to me too to say them out loud as they are not a part of everyday conversation). You can also explain which parts are private (in other words which parts we don't show others). When your child gets older, say 3 or 4, they may begin to notice that boys and girls have different "parts" and start to play "doctor". As this activity is not sexual in nature you don't have to specifically make a big deal out of it. I mean, you know toddlers...you tell them "no" one time and that's the signal to keep doing it to get your attention.

Having a new baby on the way or a pregnant friend is a good way to start a conversation. The Mayo Clinic has some good questions and answers for explaining things to toddlers and preschoolers:

• How do babies get inside a mommy's tummy? You might say: "A mom and a dad make a baby by holding each other in a special way."


• How are babies born? For some kids, it might be enough to say: "Doctors and nurses help babies who are ready to be born." If your children want more details, you might say: "Usually a mom pushes the baby out of her vagina."


• Why doesn't everyone have a penis? Try a simple explanation, such as: "Boys and girls bodies are made differently."


• Why do you have hair down there? Simplicity often works here, too. You might say: "Our bodies change as we get older." If your children want more details, add: "Boys grow hair near their penises, and girls grow hair near their vaginas."

That doesn't let you off the hook for your older children though, whose questions may require a more in depth explanation. With school-agers it's a good idea to let them lead the conversation. Although they have more of an association between sex and where babies come from, you don't want to give away more than you have to...less is sometimes more. The Mayo Clinic also has some good questions and answers for your school-aged children:

• What's an erection? You might say: "A boy's penis is usually soft. But sometimes it gets hard and stands away from the body. This is called an erection." Describe how an erection can happen while a boy is sleeping or when his penis is touched. This might also be the time to describe a wet dream.


• What's a period? You might say: "A period means that a girl's body is mature enough to become pregnant." Explain how menstruation is an important part of the reproductive cycle. You might offer details on bleeding and feminine hygiene products.


• How do people have sex? If your children wonder about the mechanics of sex, be honest. You might say: "The man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina."


• Can two girls have sex? Or two boys? For some children, it might be enough to say: "Yes. There are many types of intimate relationships." If your children want to know more, you might take the opportunity to talk about respect for others or to share your personal thoughts about homosexuality.


• What's masturbation? You might say: "Masturbation is when a boy rubs his penis or a girl rubs her vagina." Remind your children that masturbation is a normal — but private — activity.

Being comfortable with your body is important. It shouldn't be embarrassing to talk about. Remember that your children are genuinely curious and approaching the situation with a bit of candor can make all the difference with how comfortable they are with themselves and with their desire to talk to you about a subject that isn't necessarily a part of everyday conversation.