The "Lovey" - Good or Bad?

I don't know what it is but ever since Willow was very small I have been trying to get her to become attached to some kind of comfort object. I know this is a stupid thing to do since anything I have ever read about having a "lovey" of some kind causes such headaches for the parents in the equation. Not that the lovey is a bad thing, is it?

If you have no idea what I am talking about, a "lovey" is a comfort object of some kind that a child can't live without. It is the one thing in their lives that will never leave them. Not that we (as parents) leave them, but if they have trouble going to sleep, or have a bad dream, or are scared, or afraid, or lonely, their ever-reliable "friend" is there to give them some comfort in their time of need when a parent isn't readily available. You know, in the middle of the night or during the day when they are in a situation that is unfamiliar.

According to a Baby Center Poll of about 26,000 parents 50% say their children have a lovey and 50% say their children do not.

According to Parents (Life With a Lovey), about 60% of toddlers have a lovey. And although some children have this comfort object from an early age, most toddlers become attached around the age of 1. (I guess I'm not out of the woods yet)

Why is that an important age? Well, it's a time of many changes for your little one. They are just starting to walk (in most cases) and they are also learning that they are their own person, independent form their parents. "Separation anxiety takes hold at this age, so something as simple as wandering into another room and realizing she's alone can be stressful for your child," says Mary Ann LoFrumento, M.D., author of Understanding Your Toddler. "Having a familiar object with them helps kids this age feel comforted and secure."

This feeling of safety is important because toddlers have a hard time with transitions, such as heading to day care or even going to bed. "The lovey becomes an extra resource to help your child deal with everyday events that are frustrating or upsetting," explains Maria Kalpidou, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Assumption College, in Worcester, Massachusetts. "It's especially important when moms aren't around to hold and console toddlers. Instead, they use a comfort object to soothe themselves."

Now, the bad part for parents. While your child may love their lovey, it is often a headache for parents. Why? Because when it gets dirty it can be a challenge to get your child to let go of it long enough for washing. Believe it or not, kids love that grungy feel and smell and believe that it takes away the "magic" of their lovey when you "give him a bath".

Your toddler's attachment to a comfort object will likely continue until preschool. "At around 3 or 4, your child will begin to regulate his own emotions and won't need to rely on a lovey for comfort," according to Jane Kostelc, a child-development specialist at the Parents as Teachers National Center, in St. Louis. In the meantime, enjoy this milestone for what it is: a small, adorable step in your child's road to independence.

Tips for life with a lovey:

• BUY MORE THAN ONE. This is the big one. Having multiples allows you to "trade them out" so your toddler won't know the difference when it needs to be washed and if the object happens to get lost or destroyed, there is a replacement available.


• Set limits. While having the lovey is a good thing, it doesn't need to go everywhere and not taking it to the mall lessens the chance of it getting damaged or lost.

Trying to rid yourself of your child's lovey? I have some tips for you too!! Here are 6 Tips for Weaning Your Child's Comfort Object

1. Time it right. Don't try to take away a cherished blankie or bear just before the beginning of daycare or preschool, says Maria Kalpidou, PhD. The loss will only add to your child's fear and insecurity. If your child is starting school in September, spring or early summer is a good time to begin the transition.


2. Give reasons for the "breakup." As you've learned from the endless "why? why? why?" chants, preschoolers want an explanation for everything. So when you suggest saying goodbye to a favorite bunny, give your child a reason for it. Say, "You're going to big-girl school now, so maybe it's time to leave Bunny home. She'll be here waiting when you get back." Little rituals, like having her tuck her stuffed animal into bed before she leaves the house or fasten it into the car seat when she's dropped off at preschool, help make the goodbye less painful.


3. Take baby steps. Tell your child he can have his lovey at home and in the car, but not at the grocery store or the park. Or if your child demands that his blankie go to school with him, suggest a compromise. Have him take it with him for a week and leave it in his cubby for most of the day. Then, when he sees he can cope without it, suggest he try leaving the blanket at home. It also helps if you point out the risk of losing the lovey if your child takes it outside, Dr. Kalpidou says. And, give an incentive by using a star chart: Award a star for each day your child doesn't take his lovey to school and a small toy prize at the end of the week.


4. Offer a substitute. Some kids are content with a replacement for their lovey, such as a note, family photo, locket, or watch. These may not be cuddly or have a comforting smell the way a stuffed animal does, but they still help your child feel connected to home when she's suffering from separation anxiety, says Anita Britt, PhD, assistant professor of clinical pediatrics at the Keck School of Medicine of the University of Southern California. Or, if your little one clings to something like a blanket, ask her whether you can cut it into progressively smaller pieces. Just carrying a square of her favorite fabric can be comforting enough for some kids.


5. Treat the matter lightly. Don't punish or embarrass your child for clinging to a lovey, Dr. Britt says. He may grow even more attached to it, and you could set yourself up for power struggles. If your macho husband gets upset when your son totes a bear to a ball game, just remind him of all the famous jocks who wear their lucky old socks to games.


6. Expect regression. When a stressful time hits -- such as a grandparent's death, the arrival of a new sibling, or a move -- don't be surprised or upset if your child snuggles up to a beloved toy again for comfort, says Hugh Bases, MD, developmental-behavioral pediatrician at Hackensack University Medical Center, in New Jersey. When the crisis has passed, she'll be more open to letting go again, and you can restart the weaning process.

So, should you encourage your toddler to gain a lovey? It seems like it's a good idea, especially for those children who are having a harder time transitioning to something new. I think I am going to continue keeping Willow's lamb around. Maybe she'll become attached and maybe not. Time will tell. But I think I'll count myself as VERY LUCKY if she doesn't need a lovey at all. To those of you whose children do have them, good luck! I hope you found my article helpful!